I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
