peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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