i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
