In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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