Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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