This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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