just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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