watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
