i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
