Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
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