let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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