I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
