My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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