he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
