I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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