You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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