I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
