i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's get the cat blown out
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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