I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
