Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Someone signed my nipple.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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