Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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