i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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