Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
