I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
