worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
