Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
