My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
