she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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