my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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