I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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