the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
