I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
