it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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