Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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