Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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