You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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