my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
