the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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