haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You're a waste of cheezeits
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
