I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
