Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
