And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
