you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
