She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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