There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
