It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
is wine microwaveable?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
