I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
