Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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