we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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