I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
