it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
